I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
