I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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