My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
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