Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
