I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
