I think my fart just growled at me.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize