I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
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