my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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