I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
