I think I won the penis lottery.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
