just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
