you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
