I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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