So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Just pee around me
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
