I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize