Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
She's just so happy...and so naked.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
