Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
