he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
