help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Randomize
