No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
