i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
