You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Damn victory sex feels great
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
