my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
