Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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