I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
