Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
