last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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