I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
