This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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