I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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