god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize