Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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