I accidentally had phone sex last night
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Randomize
