ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
