Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
They have beer where we have blood.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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