Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
