Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
