Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
