I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
