Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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