I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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