Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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