Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize