i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
