Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
