I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
