You kept calling me your small dog last night.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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