He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
