I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
