i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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