So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Randomize
