KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I lost the right to judge tonight
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
