i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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