I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
