You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
