Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
