oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize