i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
