I am spending my child support on dildos
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
