He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Pants are for mortals
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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