If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
