Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
