i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
